"Human" by Civil Twilight

Song: "Human" by Civil Twilight

Feeling: Forgiven, loved,

Description: The song is "Human" by the great band Civil Twilight. I always think the song has a nice tone to it, it's sort of gentle and sweet and at the same time it's a bit bittersweet. Also I think it's talking about how the flaws in your nature make you human. How the fact that you make mistakes and mess things up is part of being human, which I guess sort of fits the story, which is basically about a guy who left home and then regrets it and is going back. In other words it's about him feeling forgiven by the people that never really gave up on him. So, there you go. :)

Story: 

            I stand, out of place, twirling my thumbs under the golden beam of the porch light. My heart beats steadily and even though I try to hide this from myself I can feel the pulse of nervousness in my chest. It’s been there for a long time. Appearing every time I think of this place, of this door with the cracked wooden paint, the smooth doorknob and the faulty lock that opens if you push hard enough. At this moment I want nothing more then to retreat into the darkness, I want nothing more then to be invisible so that when they open the door they don’t see me. So that they don’t have to see what I’ve become, so they don’t have to know because if they did I don’t know what I would do

            But my wishes have a knack for not coming true and the door opens. She is there, standing, her caramel brown hair tied up in a ponytail, still wearing a faded band t-shirt, still wearing worn in jeans and that expression on her face, just like the last time I saw her. But this time her gentle face melts off and shock comes into her features. “Charlie.” She says looking at me. I nod hoping she’ll recognize the stranger with tussled dark hair, tired eyes and a jacket that seems to fall all too heavily on his shoulders. Hoping she’ll recognize me.

“Hey, Jo,” I say huskily. Her violet eyes look me over quickly and I know she does because she throws her arms around me. Stiffly I hug her back. I don’t deserve her hug, I don’t deserve her joy at seeing me, not after what I’ve done, but I take it anyways because sometimes it feels good to have something you’re not allowed. Some times it’s what you need. “You should come inside.” She says releasing me. I nod again. No words seem to be able to come out of my mouth, no ‘hellos’ or ‘glad to see you’, and I know it’s only going to get harder to speak once I am inside.

            It does. The place is just as I remember. The smell of coffee dances in the air, quiet music whispers through the wooden walls which are bathed in warm light. Leo the cat is curled up in an armchair, he looks up as he sees me, his large eyes scanning me with a serious look. “Say hello, Leo” Jo says, Leo only looks displeased, he never really liked me and his name is not Leo, it’s Leonardo, he likes to make that very clear. It makes him look classier.

We move along through the hall, books rise up in towers around us. Pictures of fields hang on the wall. At this point you have to watch your step to make sure you don’t step on anything, the floor is littered with books which have fallen off their place, rolled up maps, odd artifacts and a large ball of black fur that is cannoning towards us at  top speed. Or it’s speeding towards me more specifically.

Mika, the dog pounces on my chest making me stumble backwards as she laps at my face. Her eyes are wild with joy and her tail wags in hysterics. I always liked her and she’s always liked me. She’s a large black dog with kind brown eyes and an energy that could power the world. Her real name is Duchess Mika, Jo and I named her when we were younger, but she isn’t picky about what we call her, and that’s the great thing about her, she’ll come, if she knows you’re calling her, she’ll come.

“Whose there? Jo?” A mans voice comes from down the hall. His silhouette makes shadows run down the walls and the light illuminates his face. A brown beard and kind eyes behind horned glasses. He wears a flannel shirt, as always, and jeans, just as I saw him last time. “…Charlie, is that you?” He asks. His voice sounds shattered, and I can hear the hope in it. The hope that I’ll answer and be the Charlie he remembers. The little boy that used to fall asleep on the couch and read Calvin and Hobbes on the Sunday newspaper. I’m not. I’m sorry, but I’m not.

But I answer. “Yeah, it’s me.” I say. My voice is too quiet but it reaches him and his lips part in a smile. A smile I don’t deserve, but again, I take it. I take it without a second thought. I take his embrace too, he squeezes the air out of me and pats me hard on the back as always. “Charlie, my boy,” He murmurs. “Where have you been?” He asks me. His eyes are smiling and I really don’t want to answer that question although I have a feeling he already knows. He must. I wrote it down in the note I left when I decided to leave.

“Places.” I answer. I’ve been up and down, and left to right but the only place I wanted to be is here. He nods and smiles. Jo is behind him, also smiling. Leo is in her arms.

“John! What is taking you so long?! I need you’re help in the kitchen, John!” Rosemary bobbles out into the hall. “Good heavens John, what in the world are you…” her voice trails off as her eyes fall on me. Her hair is escaping its tight bun at the back of her head and she is dressed in her flower print dress. Her cheeks are round and red, just as I remember and her lungs are just as strong as they used to be. “Charlie….” She says quietly. I nod, walking towards her. “Oh Charlie!” She says. She is speeding towards me, her arms outstretched and her face glowing and I find myself falling into her hug. It’s tight. A mother’s hug. She’s not my mother, but she might as well be, she practically raised me. And John could be called my father, and Jo my sister.

“Hello Rosemary.” I say as she lets go. Her eyes are sparkling with tears and I can feel my own grow hot.

“Oh, Charlie, I missed you my dear.” She says. Then, true to her rituals, she begins to berate me. “You’re too thin, I suspect you haven’t been eating well, I’ll cook something up. No, don’t disagree with me. Jo, get him some warm coffee to drink. I said don’t disagree with me.” She begins as she bustles off into the kitchen. Jo grins at me and Mika swivels through us.

“Come on, we best go sit.” She tells me. John leads the way into the living room. It’s alight with small lamps and the sounds of a cackling fire, which sits humbly burning in the fireplace. It’s just as I remember. Leo finds himself a comfy spot and Mika lies down near me, her tail wagging.

Just as they say, I would like to be as good as a dog thinks I am. I would like to be as good as they all think I am. But I can feel the shame burn up inside me. I can feel the hurt that I caused, and I know I’m not.

“Here you go, Charlie. You better eat all that up.” Rosemary says as she hands me a plate of cookies, I can tell they’re fresh and warm. She places a cup of milk beside me and for a while that’s all the sound there is. Me eating the cookies, Mika’s tail wagging, Leo purring and the constant beat of love that seems to run through this room. Something I missed. Something I took for granted.

“So, Charlie, five months?” John asks. Yes. Five months since I left. Five months I’ve regretted. Five months since I’ve wanted to come back. Five months since I hurt them. Five months since I stepped in this room, eaten these cookies, petted Mika and saw them. Five months. Five months of guilt. Five months.

“Yes…” I answer. “I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I’m so sorry.” I hope they hear the plead in my voice. I hope they hear the guilt. I hope they understand. I’m asking the impossible, but if there is some one who can do it, it is them.

And they do. Rosemary only smiles at me, Jo rolls her eyes and grins and John shakes his head gently grinning as he does. “So are you here to stay?” He asks me.

It’s a question but it’s also a fact. It’s their way of saying that I am welcome here. That here I am Charlie. In here I still read Calvin and Hobbes and play with Mika. In here I am not the cold person I am to the world. In here there is no guilt on my shoulders. In here I am Charlie. Plain and simple. Charlie. In here I am just Charlie.

            So I answer. “I think so.” I say. “I think I am.” And in that room with a happy dog and a picky cat, the room with the humble fire and the girl who wears band t-shirts, the room with the man with the kind eyes and the woman with the loud and caring voice, in that room I felt safe. I felt forgiven. I felt loved.

“It’s only love, it’s only pain,

              It’s only fear that runs through my  veins,

              It’s all the things I can’t explain

              That make us human.”